I have been on a rollercoaster of negativity, unhappiness and depression for as long as I can remember. I don’t remember when last I was really happy for 7 days consistently. I am happy in the morning, sad in the afternoon, and tired at night. Well, I dared myself to purposefully put myself on 21 days of mind detox. A day ago after all the despair, I cried out to the Lord to help me, this was one of my countless times I have cried out. In the morning I read Psalms 27, I got this scripture from the footnote of my journal. In the last two verses, David said;
13 I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
14 Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
Friend, I will be honest with you that I have lost my heart for a long time. This scripture led me to ask myself “Do I believe to see the goodness of God in my life, or do I just go around mourning and complaining about what goes wrong?” Life happens to all of us but how we respond to it depends on each of us, and I have been responding negatively. During these 21 days I will be doing the below:
- Wake up 20min
- Make coffee
- Read Psalms 27:13&14
- Journal and speak out what goodness of God I am expecting to see in my day and life
I have done these things countless times in my life, but right now I am so angry, like a wave of holy anger hit me, that I will and I can push myself up and fight for my happiness, so help me God.
Journey with me and lets fight to get our lives together. It’s going to be tough, it’s going to be ugly, but in the end, it will be glorious.
PS: Listen to ‘Goodness of God’ by Bethel Music
I am writing this letter to let you know that I am glad to finally meet you. I have been waiting for so long for your invitation and when you remembered and called me out it was the joyous and most liberating sound I have ever heard. I want to tell you that you are never alone, please know and understand that. Nothing no one did, does or does not do will ever kill the person you are. Whatever is done, no matter how you perceive, it will help you write your story, more better and better each time. It does not matter whether the world sees you, your worth is never stripped from you. And remember the world does see, and the universe receives your resonance in ways you are never aware of. Have a little faith and just keep vibrating. Someone on this planet needs you. They need you to fight, they need you to keep calling yourself out. Call to the deep and deep will respond and birth you. My sweet Casey, open your eyes and see me. I am here. I was always here. And if no one notices, I do. And I love you. Love me.
Hope has been my anchor almost all my adult life. I don’t know what I could have done or be if it weren’t for the hope God has graciously given me. I had and still have so many dreams I want to see become reality and so many prayers I want answered. I prayed for me to change, to become the wife, mother, employee and the daughter God wants me to be. I saw changes happen in my life over the passed years, slowly but surely. I look back and see from where I came from and where I am today. The battles I went through, humiliations I suffered, injustice and pain. But in all of the unfairness I see a fair and a just God who carried me through it all. He is faithful, and He is here. How painful life can be, the smile at the end is promised for me, and no matter how the devil wants to pull us down the Lord will work it out for our good. The challenge on my faith is an opportunity for me to grow my faith. If I or my loved one is sick it’s an opportunity to practice my faith and see God as a healer, and to see the compassion and love He has for us. Job said in 19:25 “I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth”. Oh so much hope there is available for the soul that puts its trust in the Lord. Hope takes our focus off the suffering and points us to the Lord.
My poor child has been suffering from chronic coughs and this thing has been frustrating me more then I realized. The Lord showed me how unbelieving I have been and impatient I have been with my child. I asked that He forgive me and He placed this hope again in me, causing me to believe and to see His blessings in the mist of the suffering. How He has been busy to pour out His love and healing in my child’s heart? My girl’s soul was wounded from rejection and the Lord is using this sickness for her advantage. And I know that I know that at the end my child will not only be healed from the sickness, but her wounded soul will be healed and her faith will be made stronger along with ours.
“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us” Romans 5:5.
I was thinking what to call the title of my post today since I am so excited about sharing what I went through this morning between my emotions and my thoughts. For a long time (years) I have been struggling to get my act together. You know we have dreams for our lives. How we want to grow as a wife, mother, employee/employer and also spiritually as a daughter of God. It is very easy to dream, believe me dreaming does not require effort. You can dream using your mind not lifting a muscle in your body. The challenging part is to live out your dreams. Proverbs 12:11 said the one who works his field will have plenty, but whoever chases day dreams lacks wisdom. We will never achieve anything in life if we don’t dream. Any goal, service or product was first an idea in someones mind before it came to be. God had a thought in His mind before he created the world. He didn’t just said “Oh lets create the world”. I believe he had all planned out nicely. How everything will interact, how things will be interdependent, which colours to give to different butterflies, flowers birds, my favorites are parrots. (I just had to include a picture of them, are they not amazing?). It takes a hand of a designer to design and create something like this.
Well, God had an idea, a thought a dream and he had a plan. Dreams without wisdom to act upon them are daydreams, someday you will wake up and realize that it was just a good dream. Now we need action, we need to work our fields like the writer of Proverbs put it. I need to get back to my title “Smarter than my feelings”. Two days ago I decided to wake up little bit early to read. You must understand waking up early is one of those impossible missions of my life. I think I was born sleeping! So to wake up even 10 minutes before necessary is a battle and a half. So I decided to wake up for the millionth time in my life. When I was single and childless I did my reading in stillness, but when I got married and had children I found it difficult to read with so much noise and movement around. So I had high expectations about how I am to do reading and quite times (they are quite times after all). The enemy knew, and my emotions also knew how easily I get irritated by disturbance during these times. And one more thing is now I have someone sleeping with me who doesn’t know how to lay still and my precious God given sleep is disturbed, which even make the mission impossible more impossible to get out of bed early. So this morning my lovely husband could somehow not sleep and I set my alarm to get up at 5 am. Even before that time my sleep was disturbed and it took me 35 min to get my energy together to finally get out of bed. Worst of all I got up with a headache! So I, without saying a word, or showing my irritation (as I used to) prepared myself to read the Bible. I got thoughts screaming at me “Say something, tell your husband how irritated you are”, and I would have gladly do that, but instead I chose not to. I knew if I do, I will spoil my reading time, and ruin such a beautiful morning. I, my friends was smarter than my feelings, and believe me the headache left me while I was reading. I know if I could have succumbed to my feelings I could fueled that horrible headache, and I wouldn’t know what to write about. Let us be wise, our dreams (even to wake up early) need a great deal of effort and wisdom to become a reality. The Lord will not leave as alone but will surely help us to accomplish them all if we are lot lazy to work our fields.
Till we meet again, may His peace keep us and lets keep dreaming and working our fields, harvest is not far.
This is where all begins. It is days like this that I wish someone had written a blog titled “A Search for God”, I wish I was not the author but the reader. A reader in search for God, a reader that is hungry and willing to do all that needs to be done to find God, and forever be by His side, in His hands were no one and nothing can snatch me out. I know why I want to write a blog like this, I know how it feels to yearn for God, to have that nudge in your heart that always tell you that where you are is not where you are supposed to be. I don’t know how to call it, really it is just this emptiness, that hole in your soul and spirit that nothing or no one can fill, and you know, you just know that no matter how you try to avoid that or how you try to fill it up, it will never be filled. You tried everything you could to try and fill it. You prayed, you fasted, you had someone pray for you, but still it is there, sometimes it goes away for days, sometimes you feel like yes I got it, yes I am close to God, yes I found Him, but then after a week it sneaks up again, you don’t know how you got hungry so fast. You don’t know when and how you vomited out the food you ate the whole week. You feel empty and hungry again. You look back, try to trace your movements, your prayer life, you don’t know where you went wrong. My God what happened? What did I do that I was not supposed to do? What did I not do that I was supposed to do? Did I not pray enough? Did I not read your word enough, what happened? Will I ever find you Lord, how must I seek you? How do I do it with my whole heart?
This is my journey, this is my search and the blog is dedicated to you my friend who share the same search. Lets take hands and we go together, what I went through might just encourage you. And God is faithful, Him who began a good work in us will complete it and he promised to lot leave us and forsake us. It took me years to believe the word and live it out. Letting the word work in me and draw my heart to my gentle Savior.
At the end He sought us and chose us and drew us to Himself…..